Entertainment and Sports

Love, Tiger, Love Tiger, Tiger Love, Tiger's Lovers

I could have contacted each of you personally, but Tiger didn't feel like it. Tiger is busy. Tiger has to go. See you never.

By Kevin Somers
Published December 16, 2009

From the mind of Tiger Woods
Oct 2009

Dear all my lovers:

First of all, you're welcome.

Now, in exchange for services rendered, Tiger expects complete co-operation from all of you.

As you know, I am a world famous billionaire with a young family. Tiger also has an impeccable reputation I must preserve because my squeaky image makes me hundreds of millions dollars annually. Tiger realizes waitresses earn less than minimum wage, so none of you can relate to my dilemma, but, for Tiger's sake, try.

It's imperative you keep our intimate, frequent dalliances in executive suites, luxury vehicles, and Tiger's many mansions a secret. Try and imagine what Tiger has to lose.

Erase the thousands of incriminating texts and voicemails I, Tiger Woods, have sent and left all of you. Don't upload or post any of the photos or videos Tiger has "starred" in, either. That would be stupid. I realize none of you are as smart as Tiger, but, surely, all of you can understand how damaging a naughty text, voicemail, or e-mail from me, Tiger Woods, would be. If only a fraction of you come forward, I might have to give up golf for a while and go into hiding. Boo!

The Technology Age is scary, but as long as there's no irrefutable evidence Tiger has repeatedly cheated on my wife, Elin Woods, with a serial killer's fervour, I, Tiger Woods, can deny, deny, deny I've ever met any of you. It's idiot proof.

If Tiger's wife finds out about one, some, or all of you, Tiger would be done; my mother-in-law and wife's twin sister would move into Tiger's house: three angry Swedish broads with golf clubs. Think about it. Tiger would be miserable. I might have to poison "Mom."

Also, if my wife, Elin Woods, ever leaves me, Tiger Woods, I would have to pay her millions and millions, forever. That's how rich Tiger is. I'm not even forty and I'm a BILLIONAIRE! All I do is golf and hook up. All of you work much harder than me, yet Tiger is crazy rich. RICH! RICH! RICH! I make more in one day than all of you put together earn in a year! Think about that, waitresses.

I, Tiger Woods, realize many organizations would pay thousands, perhaps millions, for evidence of our relationship and I am also vulnerable to blackmail, but stay poor and obscure.

If the world found out what Tiger is up to when not golfing, my little, brittle veneer would shatter and Tiger would be more like Tigger (T, I, double guh, errr), a laughing stalk, so don't do anything stupid.

Imagine sad Tiger doing the mea culpa circuit with Oprah and Dr. Phil. God, I hate those self-righteous idiots more than my battle-axe monster-in-law. Worse, what if Tiger had to sit and listen to clowns like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson tell Tiger what's what? I'd rather be a waitress for a shift. (No, I wouldn't.)

I could have contacted each of you personally, but Tiger didn't feel like it. Tiger is busy. Tiger has to go. See you never.



P.S. It's not easy being Tiger. Pray for Tiger.

Kevin Somers is a Hamilton writer.


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By mattchall (registered) | Posted December 16, 2009 at 16:34:32

Most overpaid pro athletes are pretty much the same:ie. they are human. Just because they are good at their game does not make them good role models. More shite from the media. Now he's been voted "athlete" of the decade???? For hitting a wee ball and sauntering along the course? Couldn't they remember the world darts or bowling champions name? I'd rather see Lance Armstrong get the nod. Seven Tour de France victories AFTER battling testicular and brain cancer. Over 3,000 kms in 3 weeks, average speed of 45 km/hr. I have enough trouble riding the Paris to Ancaster (65k)! His power output to weight ratio is amazing. Not many athletes from other sports can match him. He's certainly not my fave pro cyclist, but you can't argue with his record.

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By mattchall (registered) | Posted December 16, 2009 at 16:46:14

By the way, very funny letter,Kevin.

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By woody10 (registered) | Posted December 18, 2009 at 12:53:38

Another reason why the mature countries of the world laugh at the U.S. (and us sometimes:-( )

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By mattjohn (registered) | Posted January 09, 2010 at 01:10:52

The tiger (Panthera tigris) is a member of the Felidae family; the largest of the four "big cats" in the genus Panthera. Native to much of eastern and southern Asia, the tiger is an apex predator and an obligate carnivore. Reaching up to 3.3 metres (11 ft) in total length and weighing up to 300 kilograms (660 pounds), the larger tiger subspecies are comparable in size to the biggest extinct felids. Aside from their great bulk and power, their most recognizable feature is the pattern of dark vertical stripes that overlays near-white to reddish-orange fur, with lighter underparts. The most numerous tiger subspecies is the Bengal tiger while the largest subspecies is the Siberian tiger.

Highly adaptable, tigers range from the Siberian taiga, to open grasslands, to tropical mangrove swamps. They are territorial and generally solitary animals, often requiring large contiguous areas of habitat that support their prey demands. This, coupled with the fact that they are endemic to some of the more densely populated places on earth, has caused significant conflicts with humans. Of the nine subspecies of modern tiger, three are extinct and the remaining six are classified as endangered, ccnp certification, some critically so. The primary direct causes are habitat destruction and fragmentation, and hunting. Their historical range, which once reached from Mesopotamia and the Caucasus through most of South and East Asia, has been radically reduced. While all surviving species are under formal protection, poaching, habitat destruction and inbreeding depression continue to be threats.

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By mattjohn (registered) | Posted January 09, 2010 at 01:11:33

[url=http://www.ccnptests.com]ccnp certification[/url]

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