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A poem by Kevin Somers.

By Kevin Somers
Published November 04, 2008

I suffer from anxiety
A plague on our society
This nervousness that never ends
Is like a party without friends

Stress, of course, a sad affliction
Deadly as a drug addiction
To rid myself of this awful curse
I hired on a part-time nurse

She was gruff and not too kind
She showed up late, but left on time
Afraid, was I, to question bills
She’d change the dosage of my pills

When I finally let her go
The severance package was full of dough
That awfully expensive nurse
Only served to make things worse

I went to see a psychiatrist
And gave him money by the fist
Time and money on a shrink
Didn’t help as one might think

I went to church but learned to hate
The sight of a collection plate
I studied Yoga to help me breathe
But started choking on the fee

I bought the Tony Robbins set
For any help that I could get
Tony got richer but I didn’t feel better
Until he read my nasty letter

I got a big screen, plasma TV
So Oprah and Phil could speak to me
I bought their channels, tapes, CDs
Magazines, books, and DVDs

Their help, alas, not economical
The bills they sent were astronomical
My blood pressure levels never decreased
Unless I dreamt of Phil deceased

So I went cold turkey on celebrity help
And took “spirituality” off the shelf
I meditated evenings and a lot of the night
Fretted about diet and living just right

I went to see some naturopaths
Who ordered very specific baths
Oily, salty, fragrant, and hot;
Bathing sure did cost a lot

I took and failed all their tests
Too much worry, not enough rest
And the bed I had wasn’t quite right
So they sold me a new one for superior nights

I didn’t sleep better and the bed cost a lot
And I wondered if I should have just gotten a cot
And some pot, and mushrooms, and pills
And lived a bohemian life of mellow cheap thrills

Then I thought about getting away
Perhaps I just needed a wee holiday
I could take myself on a wonderful trip
To a coast, or chalet, or somewhere real hip

I went on a cruise but got really ill
So I stayed in my bunk and re-read the bill
I told all my friends it was a wonderful time
Expensive, yes, but worth every dime

It’s just me now, God, and I’m a pretty good guy
So do me a favour before I die
Give me some heaven while I’m still here on earth
Please, Lord, won’t You upsize my tiny net worth

I know there are billions who need to be fed
But don’t forget me when You’re giving out bread
We both know that if I had lots more fleece
Lord Almighty, I’d rest in peace

Kevin Somers is a Hamilton writer.


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