Raise the Hammer
Not your grandmother's favourite things.
By Kevin Somers
Published October 22, 2007
"My Favourite Things" is a beautiful song and Julie Andrews sings it like an angel, but we certainly don't get excited about the same stuff. To paraphrase Muhammad Ali, I got no quarrel with raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but I won't sing their praises.
I wouldn't know what to do bright copper kettles, and warm woollen mittens are increasingly redundant, thanks to global warming. Besides, too cool for mittens, I'm a gloves man.
I haven't seen a brown paper package tied up with string in 25 years, and that was my uncle mailing us Christmas fruitcake, which I still hate.
I live in the city so cream coloured ponies are against common sense and by-laws. I don't think I've ever had crisp apple strudel. My wife is heater, not a cooker, baker, or desert maker, so if President's Choice has a "crisp apple strudel," I might give it a go.
Doorbells and phone calls are usually people I don't know wanting my money for something I hadn't thought of. Sleigh bells are lovely but their less frequent than schnitzel with noodles, and we're vegetarian. (I assume schnitzel is meat.)
I like wild geese as much as the next guy, but I've never seen one that flies with the moon on its wings.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes make me think of JonBenet and the horror of unstable, insatiable, aging narcissists exploiting their daughters.
I don't like the cold anymore, so snowflakes that stay on my nose and my lashes just make me grumpy, but when silver white winters melt into spring, I perk up, a little.
I like days that don't require driving. Riding a bike is one of my favourite things. When we lived in Japan, we rode our bikes everywhere: good memories. Vegetable sushi with soy sauce, pickled ginger, and wasabi is another favourite thing taken from the land of the rising sun. The Japanese also had beer vending machines everywhere, which was pretty sweet.
Hockey is one my favourite things. Like the song says, I like ball hockey, floor hockey, road hockey, table hockey, ice hockey, pond hockey, playing hockey, watching hockey, hockey highlights, hockey bloopers, hockey fights, hockey discussion, hockey hockey, hockey all the time.
I hate Gary Bettman and Bill Daly more than Christmas cake. A pox on their corrupt, insidious, little enterprise.
Imagining I have super voodoo power is another favourite thing.
Heaven help the game. Don Cherry is one of my favourite things. So are Wendel and Darcy Tucker.
Music is certainly a favourite thing. I like reading and writing, too. I like my kids. I like being alone, a lot. I like TV. Those are a few of my favourite things.
When the dog bites, I bite back. When the bee stings, I relish his immanent death. But when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feeel soooo bad.
By joelwissing (anonymous) | Posted October 28, 2007 at 09:33:46
I think you meant imminent
By kevin (registered) | Posted November 05, 2007 at 17:39:25
You're right, oops.
BTW: Is this Joel Wissing from Japan?
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