Entertainment and Sports

Needs, and A Eulogy for Baby Boomer

Two poems by Kevin Somers.

By Kevin Somers
Published November 23, 2006



A good team needs a catcher
Like a child needs love
A catcher needs brains
And a really good glove

I hate needles
And pinheads and pricks
I need a clock so slow
That it hardly ticks

Why did you say it
If it's needless to say?
You need to think better
Before you needlessly spray

I needed bread
To feed my kids
The baker's dough needed kneading
So I did

Baker paid me a little
And it just met my needs
I fed the needy kids
But I'm still in the weeds

I want you, I do
Hell, I might even need you
But I'll never love you
When Meatloaf will do

It really bothers me
Not meeting your needs
Because you need that
Like a dog needs fleas

Sometimes you need one
But you really want two
And wants become needs
By the time you are through

I need a job
I need a wife
I need a car
But I don't need strife

Did get what you needed?
Did you get all need?
Do you need any more?
Have you children to feed?

How much do you need?
Should you give to the needy?
How much need you keep
Before it is greedy?

The garden was lovely and so weedable
The dough it produced really quite kneadable
The farmer's children who worked so hard
Were oh suddenly so feedable

I know it sounds crazy
But I need my wife
The much better half
Of a miserable life

You need to go on
But you need to grieve
I've got to go
So you need to leave

A Eulogy for Baby Boomer

We gather here to bury Boomer
Who was, we know, a great consumer
But he was felled by the disease
That brought our planet to its knees

He died, alas, of Boomerism
Brought on by his consumerism
This scourge, of course, ubiquitous
The fall out quite conspicuous

But utter not your maledictions
For these are not such sad afflictions
As those who perish in her grips
Take their leave with smiling lips

Boomer loved pursuing trends
Snapping up what Maker sends
Although maligned as supplicated
He thought himself sophisticated

His vehicle, once cheap and nimble
Now a monster status symbol
For miles around, hear and see
Boomer in his SUV

Because of age, his face less sightly
A plastic surgeon put it rightly
And to reclaim his rigid thrill
Boomer bought a little pill

Please, we ask, do not believe
He ignored those he conceived
By such words he would be haunted
He bought his children all they wanted

But to keep pace with their rampant spending
Office hours were never ending
So on holidays re-introductions
With the little tax deductions

The fortune Boomer had so merited
His children have, indeed, inherited
The Consumer gene, not just endearing
But also, rather, domineering

Boomer's children spend, spend, spend
On wishing lists that never end
But so that Dad can rest in peace
They must resolve: buy or lease

Sometime in this starless night
Boomer's soul will be in flight
His fingers clutch the boarding pass
His seat, we know, is in first class

Boomer leaves with no regrets
As Jesus will forgive his debts
And in heaven there are no needy
So no one ever calls him greedy

Committing Boomer to the ground
We note his final spending round
His plot, you see, is landscape prime
The box he's in is top of the line

As the grave is filled with dirt
We pause to think of Boomer's shirt
Entombed forever in Ralph Lauren
What better way to say amen?

We gather here to bury Boomer
Who was, we know, a great consumer

(A Eulogy for Baby Boomer was first published in Kevin Somers' collection Minimal.)

Kevin Somers is a Hamilton writer.


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